Diary 2

27/12/2014

Diary 2

hi […],

 

I didn’t say the place and time, but just that there’s a lots and lots

of unanswered burning questions that are piling up on my end for a long

time now, and I can’t seem to ask. Not something you can just ask in a

group, or the threat of anyone walking in, my nerves get to me. But

doesn’t look like it’ll ever see the light of day, just like how like

all ‘good’ dreams are.

 

I know I shouldn’t have asked some people to hang out that were close to

you, only that you seemed happy with others and I thought I should stay

away cause of age differences… being friends with others only to have

them say things I don’t like, or myself ranting out to people, we all

have our faults…

 

I’m thinking out loud, but I think maybe i’ve devalued myself in the

process, e.g. look at that fool, loser trying… but has a crap,

unhappy, personality, doesn’t deserve anyone but the ones making those

judgments do!

 

Facing what I think are the elongated scenarios, being part of it, as

they say I’m just chasing rainbows, or just ramblings of a mad person

alone on a late friday night. Sometimes it can really hurt to see these

things, burned into one’s memory, and well I can’t pull that off with

anyone. In some things in life I’d rather do what I really believe in,

than what the majority has to tell me what they think is right for me

and their definition of me.

 

I look back and think I’m slow and sometimes can’t think of the right

words to say under the circumstances, or maybe someone else comes along

in your life, and is the right choice….. its a fear I face, but then I

think I’m kept at a distance, I’ll never know why.

 

I wouldn’t count anything on my end, as I’ve never really felt valued by

certain people…. I’ve never felt important to someone

 

Once i’ve been told by you, who I think is,  told that your busy a few

times, really afraid to ask again, might be considered as harassment and

most likely thrown to the wolves again….  I’m just lost, confused,

fear that anything can happen, anyone of us leave, myself etc..

I think given the right set of circumstances, people can act better in

their comfortable environment, but that’s just me not what the majority

says, I know I’m missing a few bolts.

 

You know I’ve never really told anyone I’ve liked them, but to be close

to that, what I feel but does the other person feel the same, I think

I’ll never know, or maybe I don’t want to know the cold hard truth and

prefer the ‘dream’… but this is all too one sided, my side, and I’ll

never know if I know the otherside, your side of things, feelings,

thoughts, maybe that’s the biggest fear and stressor that I’m afraid of…

 

bye

raj

©27/12/2014 Rajinder

 

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