I didn’t say the place and time, but just that there’s a lots and lots
of unanswered burning questions that are piling up on my end for a long
time now, and I can’t seem to ask. Not something you can just ask in a
group, or the threat of anyone walking in, my nerves get to me. But
doesn’t look like it’ll ever see the light of day, just like how like
all ‘good’ dreams are.
I know I shouldn’t have asked some people to hang out that were close to
you, only that you seemed happy with others and I thought I should stay
away cause of age differences… being friends with others only to have
them say things I don’t like, or myself ranting out to people, we all
have our faults…
I’m thinking out loud, but I think maybe i’ve devalued myself in the
process, e.g. look at that fool, loser trying… but has a crap,
unhappy, personality, doesn’t deserve anyone but the ones making those
Facing what I think are the elongated scenarios, being part of it, as
they say I’m just chasing rainbows, or just ramblings of a mad person
alone on a late friday night. Sometimes it can really hurt to see these
things, burned into one’s memory, and well I can’t pull that off with
anyone. In some things in life I’d rather do what I really believe in,
than what the majority has to tell me what they think is right for me
and their definition of me.
I look back and think I’m slow and sometimes can’t think of the right
words to say under the circumstances, or maybe someone else comes along
in your life, and is the right choice….. its a fear I face, but then I
think I’m kept at a distance, I’ll never know why.
I wouldn’t count anything on my end, as I’ve never really felt valued by
certain people…. I’ve never felt important to someone
Once i’ve been told by you, who I think is, told that your busy a few
times, really afraid to ask again, might be considered as harassment and
most likely thrown to the wolves again…. I’m just lost, confused,
fear that anything can happen, anyone of us leave, myself etc..
I think given the right set of circumstances, people can act better in
their comfortable environment, but that’s just me not what the majority
says, I know I’m missing a few bolts.
You know I’ve never really told anyone I’ve liked them, but to be close
to that, what I feel but does the other person feel the same, I think
I’ll never know, or maybe I don’t want to know the cold hard truth and
prefer the ‘dream’… but this is all too one sided, my side, and I’ll
never know if I know the otherside, your side of things, feelings,
thoughts, maybe that’s the biggest fear and stressor that I’m afraid of…