Diary 1

 

31/12/2014

Diary 1

hi […],

 

if it’s really you, Then I know I’m mad. I could never say in person or

on facebook about this, email exchange, craigslist ads.

If its not you I’m sure I’m blocked, or maybe even blocked. I hope you

read till the end, I think my fb message will not be read before 2015

imagine someone pulling this out on someone, and if I’m wrong, oh I

think I would end up in an institute….. but hey if you print these out

and show me haha then I know we’re both craycray! 🙂

 

A part of me wanted to say today that I really liked you. But with

people coming back and forth, and me being too nervous, I just

couldn’t…..  then I thought that I”m already on your chopping block,

so why not just go for iI did send you a facebook message about liking

you and saying its the last time I could write, as discussed you want me

to leave you alone..

 

What prompted to go off the rocker on Saturday was that all the hints,

not being wished happy bday, just waiting around for over a year, and

still not a certain sign, hurt me a lot. The mention you having a great

sleep I have no idea if its in reference to this.

Even in that year, yes I asked other people to hang out, got refused,

maybe hung out with one girl over coffee, only talked by a mutual

friend, and she’s in love with him…. but now he’s with someone else.

 

I think your friend […], calls the shots on this and you both check in

with […], to see how things are. Maybe never going for the raw form, as in

not by social norms, I know i’ve said things, lots of things but do I

anything about it…? nope… Sometimes I think I get bullied to crap by

you/your friends, and there are other situations I would like to know of.

 

I mean I guess I expect too much, like being wished a happy bday,

especially by people I like. Over a year of having to deal with feelings

with you’re around and not around…. Just to find out who you are, what

you’re about… there were a few moments, but all too short, and I

needed more chatting… I need more conversations from you, attention

I’ll admit that…

 

I’ve seen you with guys that are already committed and how comfortable

you’re around them, and how you talk, laugh at everything they do, act

super interested in them, hurts to see that too….. and I don’t feel

valued sometimes, maybe at times I was, On facebook I never gotten a

like from you, or a comment on my comment, and I wonder I’m just an

idiot for trying…. it hurts to see that other guys can make you laugh

so easily, while I’m expecting to do a lot… it shouldn’t have to be

only that..

I don’t understand why guys with girlfriends super attractive, I mean

those people can cheat too and hide it since they are protected….. and

all I really wanted was to talk

Even those crinkies cookies I’ve heard about, saw the pictures, over a

year and I haven’t even tried them….

 

I’ve been very sad the last few days, keep replaying things over, and in

my mind, things played out differently, things what people in love do,

chat, hang out….

I got ever more mad when I heard about people going back to your place,

and how the party started after I left, and how that night you were so

talkative to my friend who has  gf already, and with that other guy

mentioned below… I’m a person too…

 

Maybe you would have answered if you really wanted to, or tell me off

directly… rather than what happened.. I would never hurt anyone

physically..

Anytime I made comments to you it came back to bite me in the rear by

other people… while themselves probably do it with you and its okay..

or maybe you both are ‘close’ and not just the normal friend way.

 

I look back and realize that I could never do anything right with people

I like, things got in the way, they choose someone else, I lost it, but

I know other people are like this or worse and they still manage to chat.

 

I know lots of people have to put words in my mouth, and when there

isn’t much trust, its hard….

 

Its your life, your body your choices, I would never take advantage of

anyone, .., and I even said you can punch, kick me whenever…

I don’t even feel comfortable saying someone that I like them,

 

I believe that experiences help shape your outcome, mine’s been

constantly crap besides me going out there and getting burnt for years,

and now getting flak for not acting right, I hardly know anyone else in

the exact same position, and the ones that are close, no signs of things

working out for them… I guess it comes down to genes, etc.. dominance…

 

I know there’s some talk about new years etc… would have been to spend

maybe a good chat today, before heading off into 2015, but its not

happening.

 

I wish I could be that ideal person, funny, taller, everything right,

but I’m not, I’m just a redundant person, I never had much to offer in

terms of my personality, views, but would feelings or willingness be

right? good intention? no matter which way I dice it, or myself its not

right for the social norm

 

Sometimes I feel that you were just a glimpse of fake hope, nothing

more, but I still might refuse to believe that if you threw me heavily

off track.

 

There were a few situations, where some colleagues did show some

‘interest’ in hanging out with me, but that at that point I had you in

mind and to them, who you’re probably close to, I was just an option.

I met them and they were already in relationships or breaking up, and

dated other people, and suddenly they decide to show interest in a

‘loser’ like myself, no I refuse I’m not just an option to be picked up

whenever someone is single, and tossed whenever… I firmly believe that

people like each other not cause they are just there, or because someone

is single they are entitled to meet someone, no no and no… then again

its women we’re talking about..

I have a wrong definition of love

 

With you from the start, over a year ago, I must have told you, or told

someone else, you were much younger, and when I asked around about you,

I thought maybe I should back off, then I tried again and you seemed

distant, I saw you talking to a guy your still friends with now and you

seemed so happy and blushing, so I thought she likes that guy, he’s

closer to your age… so I went after other people, but I always came

back to you, I’ve always felt comfortable with you over the others….

 

Having someone you really like, lost, or losing them, its the worse,

considered I had no one I’ve felt this close to ever, similar  was in

high school, and since then every few years someone like that would pop

up, but nothing happened and they found love I didn’t.

 

You’re in charge here, I’m just the minion who can’t accept what’s

happening. I’d always do what you want for your well being, and for

other things up to a certain extent….

 

Yes I’m guilty of thinking about you on new years, still wished I would

have gotten a happy bday, or more communication on fb, I just wanted it

to be right, obviously with your expectations in mind. Maybe not

bullying? I know i opened up about some health things and think I

shouldn’t have, cause i Liked you thats why I should have kept quiet and

stuck to the facts, the rational thoughts, that you do not like me and

there is no interpretation that you do….

 

I’m going to go back to the roots again on this, back t othe old ways,

just focusing on work, saying little and less in groups…

I’m not organizing anything as things I did fall through and when

someone else does it everyone follows, I know most people don’t like me,

I would like to think that my intentions are good, but I poorly execute

things and it would be nice to have constant feedback,

I find anything I do there, some people have to cut me down for it, even

a recent gift i gave someone cause they were nice.

 

I don’t mind at all being where I am on new years, but definitely that I

lost something I thought might have happened, or I might have dreamt up.

E.g. baking together, romance stuff, and other serious life changing

events..

When you really like someone and you wait for them, I thought I did, I’m

just too upset nowadays and work is one of the few things that keeps me

going….

 

I love you […], just that in my head sounds bonkers… I’ve always

felt something but…

my rational thoughts kick I do realize that I might not have any self

worth in doing that…. after all that’s happened and not happened…

and you probably love someone else whose in your social circle.

 

I know from here on out, you’re probably going to find your ideal guy,

you’re young, beautiful, actually more than that! I can’t find the

proper words… and things will work out for you…

 

I loved your hair today, I just wanted to run my hands through it, but i

can’t… I have a vague idea of how long that must have taken… those

nuce waves, curls…

have to see you on this last day of year looking that gorgeous, I fell

in love with you all over again and the way you were leaning against the

wall and i was too nervous to say things… even cupping your cheeks in

my hands! but you need your space!

You know If I had an option, I like the work, but your there and I would

go…

I’m never sure to ask for a hug from you, feels like I’m demanding, and

well the amount of times i dreamed of kissing your cheeks, and seeing

them turn red, and then your lips.. not anymore

 

I guess i’ll wish you a happy new year, would have wanted to in person,

lots of things I want to say…. things I could take back, moves, but I

cant’ everything is written….

Some of things I’ve said in here are things I’ve dreamt of telling you,

but never got the chance.

I reread quickly well or correct errors….

 

See ya

Raj

©31/12/2014 Rajinder

 

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Diary 2

27/12/2014

Diary 2

hi […],

 

I didn’t say the place and time, but just that there’s a lots and lots

of unanswered burning questions that are piling up on my end for a long

time now, and I can’t seem to ask. Not something you can just ask in a

group, or the threat of anyone walking in, my nerves get to me. But

doesn’t look like it’ll ever see the light of day, just like how like

all ‘good’ dreams are.

 

I know I shouldn’t have asked some people to hang out that were close to

you, only that you seemed happy with others and I thought I should stay

away cause of age differences… being friends with others only to have

them say things I don’t like, or myself ranting out to people, we all

have our faults…

 

I’m thinking out loud, but I think maybe i’ve devalued myself in the

process, e.g. look at that fool, loser trying… but has a crap,

unhappy, personality, doesn’t deserve anyone but the ones making those

judgments do!

 

Facing what I think are the elongated scenarios, being part of it, as

they say I’m just chasing rainbows, or just ramblings of a mad person

alone on a late friday night. Sometimes it can really hurt to see these

things, burned into one’s memory, and well I can’t pull that off with

anyone. In some things in life I’d rather do what I really believe in,

than what the majority has to tell me what they think is right for me

and their definition of me.

 

I look back and think I’m slow and sometimes can’t think of the right

words to say under the circumstances, or maybe someone else comes along

in your life, and is the right choice….. its a fear I face, but then I

think I’m kept at a distance, I’ll never know why.

 

I wouldn’t count anything on my end, as I’ve never really felt valued by

certain people…. I’ve never felt important to someone

 

Once i’ve been told by you, who I think is,  told that your busy a few

times, really afraid to ask again, might be considered as harassment and

most likely thrown to the wolves again….  I’m just lost, confused,

fear that anything can happen, anyone of us leave, myself etc..

I think given the right set of circumstances, people can act better in

their comfortable environment, but that’s just me not what the majority

says, I know I’m missing a few bolts.

 

You know I’ve never really told anyone I’ve liked them, but to be close

to that, what I feel but does the other person feel the same, I think

I’ll never know, or maybe I don’t want to know the cold hard truth and

prefer the ‘dream’… but this is all too one sided, my side, and I’ll

never know if I know the otherside, your side of things, feelings,

thoughts, maybe that’s the biggest fear and stressor that I’m afraid of…

 

bye

raj

©27/12/2014 Rajinder

 

Diary 3

14/10/2014

Diary 3

Hi […],

You usually do not answer my messages or respond to my advances, even in person. I am taking a risk here bit if it is you, you will know, if not you can disregard this please. Some stuff got cut out.

Looks like people like […], […],  and […], etc please you and make you happy whenever you want. The usual guys that already get lots of girls and get more to choose from, obviously happy with the attention. You do not want to know what I think of people like that, I didn’t grow up with that.

I know I am not well socially, but was I always willing to hang out and chat under different settings. But people just want to judge based on social skills, and if not any good suffer tossed in the garbage bin. I know everyone has shortcomings, I know mine, and well it is about working with people, and actually communicating rather than ignoring, and testing people. Or this be an eloquent way to get rid of someone.

This could be a total stranger reading this. But I wonder how many people are involved in this and ‘know’. Tons of information on someone, it would be great to be in your shoes, and social circle to call the shots. Could be that I am just someone so you can laugh at me in my face and behind my back with this information.

I really believed in you and we could connect on some level, even had feelings, start off as friends/conversations then see exactly how the way things would progress. Based upon our few conversations months ago or even last year, seemed like you were nice, and friendly and assumed that you were not the most lucky in romance (back then probably changed now) based on our conversations.

I have not had romance or anything despite my on and off efforts and errors and not trying, going after the wrong people, when you see someone you like happier, blushing and going up and talking to others. In the end everyone says its my fault, we are dealing with humans here and their ideas.

Obviously its power in numbers, there is a lot more I can say, but it will never be accepted by the status quo, ‘cool people’, spoiled ones, etc. and most of all by you. I am just a useless pawn for women and yourself.

©14/10/2014 Rajinder